My mother is aging, and is needing more and more care. Our roles have changed. I am now the parent, having to deal with her as she did with me when I was young....a tremendous amount of patience, gentle guidance, but also sometimes "tough love", which is so very hard on both of us. I do what I can to help, but there's also only so much that mom will allow me to do. She's still protecting me.
As I look forward to entering my sixth decade, time has become even more precious for Myron and me.
We want to travel more, but I am reluctant to do so, because of mom. Mom encourages us to "go and have a good time and don't worry about me", but that's almost impossible for me to do. I know that she's cared for by her caregiver, Anna, so what's the problem. Guilt? Yes and no. I am a good daughter and am there for my mom whenever she needs me, but I also have a wonderful husband who has worked all his life for the pleasures that should come with his retirement. We need a balance.
I have to figure out a way to create that balance in my life. I will be here for my mom when she absolutely needs me, but I need to enjoy this time of our lives too. Too many friends around me are learning the hard way that things can change in an instant.
So, we are going to travel. Not long, extended trips, but shorter "can get home in a day" trips, if we are needed at home. Marika has stepped up and will help look after her grandmother and that will definitely make me rest easier.
If I am not with her and my mother decides that her time has come, I will feel regret at not being with her, but I will feel no guilt. "I love you" has been said many times a day, every day. She knows how much I love her and how much I will always love her. It's just for me that I will want to be holding her hand and that's totally selfish on my part.
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