Balancing Act

My mother is aging, and is needing more and more care.  Our roles have changed.  I am now the parent, having to deal with her as she did with me when I was young....a tremendous amount of patience, gentle guidance, but also sometimes "tough love", which is so very hard on both of us.  I do what I can to help, but there's also only so much that mom will allow me to do.   She's still protecting me. 

As I look forward to entering my sixth decade, time has become even more precious for Myron and me.  

We want to travel more, but I am reluctant to do so, because of mom.  Mom encourages us to "go and have a good time and don't worry about me", but that's almost impossible for me to do.   I know that she's cared for by her caregiver, Anna, so what's the problem.  Guilt? Yes and no.  I am a good daughter and am there for my mom whenever she needs me, but I also have a wonderful husband who has worked all his life for the pleasures that should come with his retirement.  We need a balance.  

I have to figure out a way to create that balance in my life.  I will be here for my mom when she absolutely needs me, but I need to enjoy this time of our lives too.  Too many friends around me are learning the hard way that things can change in an instant.  

So, we are going to travel.  Not long, extended trips, but shorter "can get home in a day" trips, if we are needed at home.  Marika has stepped up and will help look after her grandmother and that will definitely make me rest easier.

If I am not with her and my mother decides that her time has come, I will feel regret at not being with her, but I will feel no guilt.  "I love you" has been said many times a day, every day.  She knows how much I love her and how much I will always love her.  It's just for me that I will want to be holding her hand and that's totally selfish on my part.

Pandora's Box

My last post was almost five months ago.  It was just before we left for the Orient and I had been diagnosed with FMD.  I was gripped with fear and I let it get the best of me.  Even though I said I had "put it in a box" and shelved it, that did not happen.   We went to Japan and China, and I had moments where I'd forget, but the vacation was a melancholy time for me.  There was no follow-up from the doctor that treated me in the hospital and I felt like I had been abandoned.  When we were in Asia, my mother had a TIA and ended up at Toronto Western Hospital where she was treated by a doctor who, according to mom, was amazing.  When I had to take mom in for a follow up appointment in October, I asked if he would take my case on and he agreed.  My appointment with him was last week.

Dr. S. was amazing!  He explained everything to us (Myron, as always, was by my side), and helped to put my worst fears to rest.  I do have FMD in my carotid arteries, but I will probably live to a ripe old age and die with it, not FROM it.  He is going to make sure that my renal artery isn't affected, something that the original doctor was supposed to do, but dropped the ball on.

The Pandora's Box.....it was that little box that I put my FMD in and put on a shelf.  Except, I kept looking into the box and every time I looked, I panicked.  The things that flew out of that box were awful.  Irrational fear.  Depression.  No matter how hard I tried, I could not stop from opening that damn box.

FMD is rare, affecting only 4% of the population and according to "Dr. Google" can be devastating.  This is where my medical information was coming from...not from the doctor who treated me initially in hospital.  Had she sat down with me in September, and actually discussed my condition, rather than just telling me what I had and drawing a misshapen artery, I might not have spent the last five months in a state of constant doom and gloom.

But now, the box is gone.  I will always have FMD, but now I feel like it doesn't have me.