I just received a copy of the Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue (I like Hammacher Schlem-macher better....it sounds like a deli sandwich). It's subheading says "Offering the Best, the Only and the Unexpected for 161 years". Unexpected, for sure.
Where do they find this stuff? There's always a photo on the cover of some unrecognizable contraption. This time it looks like some kind of two-wheeled cyber-cycle, but is actually a "programmable gaming robot". OK.
Here's a sample of what's being offered this month:
Spring Loaded Walking Shoes. They look like regular walking shoes, but from the description, they seem like just the thing for me. Sounds like they will do all the work for you, once you take that first step and then SPROING!!!!! Off you go. I have dreams like that.
The Tabletop Slot Machine. All I have to say is "mom".
The Personal Oxygen Bar. You plug this into your nose and switch on the "ethereal musical patterns" while you inhale away. I'd rather trot on down to my local oxygen pub in my spring-loaded walking shoes, and have a pint of air with my pals, wouldn't you?
The Animatronic Singing and Talking Elvis. This gruesome looking bust of Elvis changes facial expressions, moves and sings. When you walk past it, he blurts out things like "Bring it on back now". There's also a karaoke feature, so you can sing along with him. Oh, and his lip curls. Does anyone else think this is just a little creepy?
The Only Whole Body Massage Chair. From the photo, this recliner looks like it was designed by a mysogynistic gynecologist. And it's a steal at $6000.
The Better Mousetrap. This mousetrap looks like my dad's old lunch box (which makes it even weirder). The mouse is attracted by it's last meal (peanut butter or bacon bits are suggested...what? No fancy cheese??). Mickey or Minnie walks across three electrically charged plates and ZAP! It will hold TEN mice before it has to be emptied. Ewwwwwwww.
The Indoor Dog Restroom. This one has to be the most disgusting things I have ever heard of. Your pooch pees on the pad, which looks like grass, and it seeps down to the mat/reservoir below. Nice. I have a cousin who has a Bichon and she's been trained to go on piddle pads when she can't get outside (she's a condo pooch). My cousin is diligent at picking up Emma's business. Makes sense. This grassy-hide-the-pee thing, not so much.
Before you think that I'm down on Hammacher Schlemmer , I'm not. There are some really neat things in there that I'm almost tempted to order.
The Lighted Reading Glasses. Very smart idea. I hate to bother my hubby by turning on the light when I want to read in bed. Brilliant!
The Transparent Canoe Kayak. This would be so cool to take on vacation in the Caribbean. I doubt that it would fit in my carry on.
The Five Axis Mechanical Core Muscle Trainer. Yeah sure. Have any of you ever rode one of those electrical bronco things that claim to be an exercise machine. Uh huh. Just like a "personal vibrator" is for a stiff neck. Mine arrives in a week. $2000.
The Best Body Composition Measuring Scale. Sounds extremely accurate. Not ordering it.
Any of their pre-lit fake Christmas trees. In our house we usually have two Christmas trees. A real one in the living room and a fake one in the family room. Someday when we are downsized to our condo, I want to order one of these babies. They look absolutely sparkly and lush. I figure the next generation of these will also smell real and have a bare spot that you have to hide.
Wouldn't it be a blast to have a job as buyer for this company? I guess I'll have to settle for trying to figure out the machine that's on the next cover.
Gotta love Hammacher Schlemmacher <3
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